Are you a Super Woman?

I often hear people talking about “Super Women” who can ‘do it all’ - but what about the rest of us who can’t do it all?

Every day I see women giving themselves a hard time for not living up to the Super Woman ideal. This International Women’s Day #IWD2017, it’s time that we embrace the idea that being a Super Woman doesn’t have to mean doing it all. In fact – how about defining a “Super Woman” as someone who does what she can, with what she has, and supports other women to be their own kind of Super Woman?

When I think of Super Women in my life, they come in many forms. Just a few include:

• the colleague who juggles work and children, and still finds time to mentor and encourage others
• the young assistant who has decided to go back to University to study law while still working fulltime
• the family member who had her first child in her early 20’s, her fourth child in her early 40’s, went through 2 separations and then got her degree and dream job
• the client who, in the middle of an ugly divorce, came up with a genius way of getting her daughter to give up her dummy
• the friend who spent many of her single years caring for her mother and grandfather
• the single mother that works full time, cares for her son, and also manages to volunteer at his school and coach his sporting team – all while having fabulous lashes!
• the junior lawyer who gave up her free time on Australia Day to go the extra mile for a client
• the fellow professional who has a little one, and one on the way, and still manages to look like she’s just walked off a movie set
• the many women I know who have struggled with depression, and still manage to get out of bed most days

And then there is me – I’m a 34 year old lawyer, working in family law in Canberra. I am also a Director of the firm that I’ve been with since I started my career. I have a partner, pets and a house, but no kids. I don’t have a lot of the other stresses that some women have. By the usual definition, I can’t be a Super Woman because I don’t have kids and don’t do it all. But I think sometimes I am a Super Woman. We all are.

Some weeks, I’ve worked multiple 12 hour + days, pre-cooked meals for the week, babysat for friends, taken care of my multiple animals, worked on my client’s cases at 3am, painted the fence, remembered to call my mother, done the dishes, taken some ‘me’ time and just generally been awesome.

Other weeks, I’ve been impressed to get through the day without a run in my stockings.

Hey, I’m human. I can’t always be a Super Woman. No one can.

So maybe it’s time women gave each other, and more importantly ourselves, a break.

While writing this, I heard Emma Watson on the news say “Feminism is not a stick to beat other women with.” Very true. It’s also not a stick to beat ourselves with.

So give yourself a break and acknowledge the great things you do.

You ARE a Super Woman.

Originally published as "Super Women ?" at http://www.fgd.com.au/super-women/

Shared care, Co-Parenting and developing a Parental Alliance

Shared care can been seen by many as an unachievable goal, particularly after a messy divorce. But in some cases, if both parents are able to put aside their differences and work together, shared care can work.

In a study titled Post-separation parenting arrangements and developmental outcomes for infants and children the experts commented that “The data suggest that parents who made shared care ‘work’ lived near each other; tried to respect the competence of the other parent; and were flexible and accommodating – not rigid – in their approach.”

For shared care to be in the children’s best interests, it largely comes down to the parents, their attitudes and their post separation parenting relationship. Developing a Parental Alliance can be key to making shared care a success. A Parental Alliance is based on the mutual positive regard parents have for each other as parents

One of the tools used by experts is the Parental Alliance Measure. This assesses the parenting aspects of a couple’s relationship and examines each parent’s perception of the strength of their parenting alliance—how cooperative, communicative, and mutually respectful they are with regard to caring for their children.

Often, it is the lack of mutual respect either one or both parents have for the other, which is their downfall. This is particularly so where there has been a history of family violence or controlling behaviour by one parent over the other.

If the parents try to impose a shared care arrangement on the children where this Parental Alliance is lacking, it can be difficult for all involved, particularly the children.

Experts have found that “rigid arrangements, often fuelled by acrimony and poor cooperation and set out in court orders, were associated with higher depressive and anxiety symptoms in children.”

Breakup Recovery Coach Joanne Michelle says “An important thing to remember when you are in a co-parenting relationship is to remind yourself even though you are both no longer Partners, you are still Parents to your children.  Keep any differences separate when it comes to caring for your children, and always make decisions based in the best interests of your children”.

So what can you do to make a shared care arrangement more likely to work and be beneficial for all?

Develop a joint plan

It is important to come up with a plan for how things will work for the children, both in the short term and the long term. You might be able to get along now, but sometimes things change, so it is good to have a backup plan that will apply if you later cannot agree. A plan also means that as the parents, you tell the children what is going to happen. It gives them some certainty in what can be a very uncertain time and avoids putting them in the middle.

Be flexible

Once you have the default plan in place, you may from time to time need to vary from it. And that is ok. You might feel annoying that you miss out on you scheduled time so the other parent can take the children to a special event, but remember, you are also likely to want to be able to take the children to something special outside of the plan in the future, and flexibility goes both ways.

Don’t assume the worst

Sometimes things go wrong – people run late, forget to do something or do things you don’t like. Don’t rush to assume that something the other parent does is a deliberate choice by them to do something to upset you. It might be that they are just a parent having a bad day.

Be Respectful

No matter how upset you are, lashing out at the other parent is not going to bring about a positive result for anyone. Likewise, saying bad things about the other parent in front of the children only serves to hurt your children. Be the bigger person.

Get educated

No parent is perfect. Separation is a stressful time for everyone and every parent can take positive steps to learn more about how separation impacts your children and what you can do to help them. There are many great services out there. Organisations such as Marymead, and Relationships Australia, for example, offer great parenting courses as well as support groups for parents (and children) who need assistance.

Don’t obsess about ‘equal’ time

Having a ‘shared care’ arrangement is not about ensuring you have mathematically calculated the exact number of hours/days/nights that each parent has with the children. It is not about what is fair, it is about what works best for the children. Focus on quality time with the children, not quantity – this is what your children will remember.

Don’t go to court

Going to Court is likely to break down any Parental Alliance you may have been able to develop. There are many alternatives to Court including Collaborative Law, Mediation, Facilitation, Negotiation and Arbitration. Staying out of Court and using one of these alternative dispute resolution methods is much more likely to be conducive to shared care.

What to do next?

Not all Family Lawyers encourage you to go to Court – in fact – that is the last place I want you to go (particularly if you want shared care!) But that doesn’t mean avoiding legal advice. Legal advice that is particular to your circumstances is just one piece of the puzzle in developing a plan that will stand the test of time. Before you jump in the deep end, get some advice from a lawyer who specialises in family law.

Contact me or one of my colleagues at Farrar Gesini Dunn for advice about your options.

 Originally published at: http://www.fgd.com.au/shared-care-co-parenting-and-developing-a-parental-alliance/

Kasey Fox is a Family Lawyer and Director at Farrar Gesini Dunn,Canberra Office 

For the latest news, subscribe to our blog

Digital Divorce

More than ever before, technology is being used as evidence in Family Law proceedings. When I first started practice, evidence was occasionally provided in the form of damning letters, emails or text messages. Nowadays, it is much more common and comes in so many more forms: Facebook, Messenger, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Blogs, WhatsApp… and I’m sure many more that I’ve never even heard of! 

Things to avoid on social media if you have separated (or are likely to in the future):

   

Assuming it is private – Just because you aren’t connected with your ex on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat etc, and/or have high security settings, don’t assume they won’t see what you’ve posted. These things have a way of getting back to your ex (and to the Court). You should assume that anything you post, can and will be used against you in a dispute.

Over sharing – I know you might be angry with your ex, and need a place to vent, but social media is not the place to do it, particularly if you have kids. This includes commenting on other people’s posts, posting in groups, posting inappropriate photos, sending private messages, etc. If you are about to post something that could offend your ex in any way or be used against you: just don’t! Before you hit the button, think to yourself, “What would the Judge think if they were seeing this?” Because chances are, if you end up in Court, that is exactly who will be reading your posts (along with the lawyers, your ex, the child experts etc).

‘Liking’ – Just because you didn’t originally write that post, say that quote or create that meme, doesn’t mean it can’t be used against you. True, you may not have written the words “my ex is a deadbeat ” (for example) but if you just shared someone else’s post or tweet that says exactly that, or hit “like” on someone’s post, tweet or picture that says the same, you may as well have said it yourself.

Drunk dialing – had a glass of wine and think it would be a great time to tell your ex what you really think of them? Trust me, it’s not. Texting and emailing are just as bad (if not worse).

#TMI – Sometimes posting on social media is not only unwise, but it could be a criminal offense. Under section 121 of the Family Law Act, if you publish an account or part of proceedings that identifies parties to a dispute, or a witness, you may be found guilty of an offense, with the possibility of imprisonment. My recommendation – if you are involved in a family law matter that is in Court, do not post ANYTHING about the case or the people involved.

The golden rule: If you don’t have anything nice to say, DON’T: say, write, post, like, comment, tweet or share it! Get a digital divorce.
Have you posted something you shouldn’t have?

Shared from the Farrar Gesini Dunn Blog - originally posted at: http://www.fgd.com.au/blog/digital-divorce/
Contact Farrar Gesini Dunn for an appointment with one of our solicitors to discuss how we can help you. By Kasey Fox Lawyer

Things to avoid on social media

New posts on the FGD Blog "Family Law News"

Leaving a relationship?
Thinking of separating?
Want to know what your options are?

Elisa Turco of our Melbourne office is hosting Free information sessions for people on separation. More info here: http://www.fgd.com.au/blog/free-separation-workshops/ 

Did you have an argument with your ex over who was to have the kids at Easter?

See recent post from one of our Canberra Lawyers on Family Law and holidays: http://www.fgd.com.au/blog/easter-holidays-family-law/

10 Commandments of Family Law: what not to do

Here is my recent article "10 Commandments of Family Law: what not to do" as published in the October issue of B2B Magazine in Canberra. 

I can’t guarantee that your family law matter will be smooth sailing, but if you follow these 10 Commandments, you will be more likely to achieve the outcome you desire.

1. Thou shalt not take advice from friends

As much as you trust your friends, they are not the ones to rely on for family law advice. You need to get advice from a family law expert and get it early. Once you have the correct information, you will be in a better position to make important decisions about your matter.

2. Thou shalt not go straight to Court

This may sound strange coming from a lawyer, but Court is somewhere I want you to avoid if at all possible. Out of all of the options available to separating couples, Court is frequently the most expensive, time consuming and stressful. The best settlements are the ones that parties reach by agreement. Collaborative Law is one of the options available, and best of all, you control the process. Another option is mediation which is a good alternative if you feel comfortable negotiating directly with your ex and have had legal advice.

3. Thou shalt not be rude to your ex

After a break-up it is very tempting to take out your frustrations on your ex. This is particularly the case if you feel wronged by your ex. Try to keep in mind that your goal in your family law matter is to reach agreement as quickly as possible. The quicker the settlement, the less it costs and the sooner you can move on with your life.

4. Thou shalt not bad-mouth your ex to the children

If you and your ex have children together, your priority must be your children’s best interests, and those are not served by telling your children what a bad person their other parent is. To you, your ex may be the devil reincarnate, but to your child, your ex is part of them. Remember: the Court does not look kindly on parents abusing each other in front of their children. It is simple: do not do it.

5. Thou shalt not post online

Online material is becoming more common in family law disputes. If you are separated, and in particular if you are in Court, you should assume that everything you post online (including photos) will be scrutinised. All communications with or about your ex should be short and polite. Remember: if you cannot post anything nice, do not post anything at all.

6. Thou shalt not lie

This applies to your ex, your lawyer and most importantly the Court. If you are thinking about hiding assets from your ex, think again. Your goal should be a settlement that is final so you can move on with your life. Hide assets from your ex, and even years later the whole deal could be undone. Do you really want to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life?

7. Thou shalt not sweat the small stuff

Trust me – as much as you love that tea cup, it is not worth the thousands of dollars you will pay your lawyer fighting over it or the stress it will cause. Focus on the bigger picture: if you can reach agreement on the big ticket items such as the house and super, it might be worth letting go of some of the smaller items.

8. Thou shalt not be inflexible

If you approach your matter with an all-or-nothing approach, nothing is just what you might end up with! In property matters, fighting to keep the house could mean you end up selling it to pay the bills. This doesn't mean you simply give up and accept a bad settlement. Instead try to be creative with the options you are willing to consider. There might be some middle ground where you get some of what you want and your ex gets some of what they want.

9. Thou shalt not go it alone

Remember that you are not alone in this process. Support of friends and family can be important to help keep you sane after a separation. You may even want to seek counselling to help you through it. If you don’t know where to turn, ask for help.

10. Thou shalt not fail to formalise

If you fail to formalise your settlement, it is not binding. Once you reach an agreement it is vital that you document it in a legally enforceable form that is recognised by the Court. This is the time to see a family law expert to make sure you are protected. It will be money well spent. 

Raising money for charity

Only a few days left in October and I have reached my fundraising goal for Ocsober.

But every dollar counts, so please visit my page to donate: http://fundraise.ocsober.com.au/kasey_fox

Not all lawyers are evil...

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
        

A: Not enough cement.

When you choose to become a lawyer, you accept the fact that you will be the subject of many a one-liner! No matter how much I protest that most lawyers are good people, that many of us do volunteer work, and its only the minority that give us a bad name, the response is often "Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name."

So, to show that not all lawyers are evil, I thought I'd volunteer to raise some money for charity.

I have signed up to Ocsober to raise money for Life Education Australia. Here is my fundraiser page: http://fundraise.ocsober.com.au/kasey_fox

So please sponsor me for this good cause and remember, not all lawyers are evil! :-)

Separation is like an orange...

Why a separation is like dividing an orange...

(as published in August 2012 B2B Canberra Magazine by Canberra Collaborative Family Lawyers)

It’s about understanding ‘why’ a person wants something not just ‘what they want’ or what they are ‘entitled to’. 

For example:

Two celebrity chefs are in a television cook-off.  Let’s call them Gary and Kylie.  Gary decides to make Orange Sorbet.  Kylie decides to make a tuna steaks with orange zest salsa.  Problem: there’s only one orange.

Gary takes this very seriously and calls his lawyer.  In retaliation Kylie calls her lawyer.  The lawyers write to each other arguing about who is entitled to the orange.  After a lengthy Court battle the Judge orders that the orange be cut in half.  Both end up with 50% but neither of them have enough to make their dish tasty.

If Gary and Kylie sat down to understand their interests, they would realise that Gary really only needs the juice for his recipe, and Kylie needs only the rind. If they had reached an agreement based on their interests, they would have both got what they needed.

Of course, not every case is that easy – but by focusing on understanding interests means your lawyer can tailor solutions that work for both parties, not just solutions that make each person equally unhappy.

This is the aim of Collaborative Law.

Stay tuned for more information on using Collaborative Law to resolve your family law matter and our group Canberra Collaborative Family Lawyers

The High Court on Family Law

Yesterday the High Court in Canberra heard the application in the now famous Hague case involving 4 girls from Italy. 

As expected (at least by most Family Lawyers) the application was dismissed.

I was hoping to make it down to watch the proceedings, but unfortunately I had another Court commitment in the morning, so by the time myself and another lawyer arrived at the High Court, it was only in time to see the gallery being vacated as the proceedings had concluded. 


So now I'll need to wait until the transcript and judgement are published to hear all the arguments that were put forward. In the meantime, I am forced to rely on what the media has reported, which unfortunately in this case, has not always been 100% accurate.

According to ABC News "Justice Virginia Bell told the court a key element of the family law regime is that the best interests of the child may not always accord with what the child wants." (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-08-07/high-court-custody/4182818) This approach is certainly not surprising to those of us who practice in family law on a daily basis.

Another interesting point to note is that although the Family Court made it very clear it expected the mother to comply with her undertakings to the Court not to encourage or facilitate the children being involved in the media regarding the case (see the June Judgement), shortly after the hearing finished, the twitter account called "Voiceless Kids" (which was apparently set up by or on behalf of the 4 girls) posted links to reports in the media about the High Court dismissal. Their facebook page had similar posts.

There are now claims that children are being "denied a voice" by the Courts, but the fact remains that the children DID have an opportunity in this case to be heard. Rather than attend the Court room and be involved in the "fight", they met with an appropriately trained Family Consultant, without their parents present, and were able to put forward their views and concerns. These WERE presented to the Court and considered before the decision was made (see the original Judgement) 

The Family Law Act,  the Family Court and the Hague Convention may not be perfect, but the system is there for a reason. If we did not follow the principles set out regarding "child abduction", then we could be faced with an influx of parents unilaterally removing children from countries without the other parent's consent.

If as Australians we expect that a child who was raised in Australia and then taken by one parent to another country without consent (to Italy for example) should be returned to Australia, then we need to acknowledge the same will occur when children are brought to our country in similar circumstances.