Are you a Super Woman?

I often hear people talking about “Super Women” who can ‘do it all’ - but what about the rest of us who can’t do it all?

Every day I see women giving themselves a hard time for not living up to the Super Woman ideal. This International Women’s Day #IWD2017, it’s time that we embrace the idea that being a Super Woman doesn’t have to mean doing it all. In fact – how about defining a “Super Woman” as someone who does what she can, with what she has, and supports other women to be their own kind of Super Woman?

When I think of Super Women in my life, they come in many forms. Just a few include:

• the colleague who juggles work and children, and still finds time to mentor and encourage others
• the young assistant who has decided to go back to University to study law while still working fulltime
• the family member who had her first child in her early 20’s, her fourth child in her early 40’s, went through 2 separations and then got her degree and dream job
• the client who, in the middle of an ugly divorce, came up with a genius way of getting her daughter to give up her dummy
• the friend who spent many of her single years caring for her mother and grandfather
• the single mother that works full time, cares for her son, and also manages to volunteer at his school and coach his sporting team – all while having fabulous lashes!
• the junior lawyer who gave up her free time on Australia Day to go the extra mile for a client
• the fellow professional who has a little one, and one on the way, and still manages to look like she’s just walked off a movie set
• the many women I know who have struggled with depression, and still manage to get out of bed most days

And then there is me – I’m a 34 year old lawyer, working in family law in Canberra. I am also a Director of the firm that I’ve been with since I started my career. I have a partner, pets and a house, but no kids. I don’t have a lot of the other stresses that some women have. By the usual definition, I can’t be a Super Woman because I don’t have kids and don’t do it all. But I think sometimes I am a Super Woman. We all are.

Some weeks, I’ve worked multiple 12 hour + days, pre-cooked meals for the week, babysat for friends, taken care of my multiple animals, worked on my client’s cases at 3am, painted the fence, remembered to call my mother, done the dishes, taken some ‘me’ time and just generally been awesome.

Other weeks, I’ve been impressed to get through the day without a run in my stockings.

Hey, I’m human. I can’t always be a Super Woman. No one can.

So maybe it’s time women gave each other, and more importantly ourselves, a break.

While writing this, I heard Emma Watson on the news say “Feminism is not a stick to beat other women with.” Very true. It’s also not a stick to beat ourselves with.

So give yourself a break and acknowledge the great things you do.

You ARE a Super Woman.

Originally published as "Super Women ?" at http://www.fgd.com.au/super-women/

Shared care, Co-Parenting and developing a Parental Alliance

Shared care can been seen by many as an unachievable goal, particularly after a messy divorce. But in some cases, if both parents are able to put aside their differences and work together, shared care can work.

In a study titled Post-separation parenting arrangements and developmental outcomes for infants and children the experts commented that “The data suggest that parents who made shared care ‘work’ lived near each other; tried to respect the competence of the other parent; and were flexible and accommodating – not rigid – in their approach.”

For shared care to be in the children’s best interests, it largely comes down to the parents, their attitudes and their post separation parenting relationship. Developing a Parental Alliance can be key to making shared care a success. A Parental Alliance is based on the mutual positive regard parents have for each other as parents

One of the tools used by experts is the Parental Alliance Measure. This assesses the parenting aspects of a couple’s relationship and examines each parent’s perception of the strength of their parenting alliance—how cooperative, communicative, and mutually respectful they are with regard to caring for their children.

Often, it is the lack of mutual respect either one or both parents have for the other, which is their downfall. This is particularly so where there has been a history of family violence or controlling behaviour by one parent over the other.

If the parents try to impose a shared care arrangement on the children where this Parental Alliance is lacking, it can be difficult for all involved, particularly the children.

Experts have found that “rigid arrangements, often fuelled by acrimony and poor cooperation and set out in court orders, were associated with higher depressive and anxiety symptoms in children.”

Breakup Recovery Coach Joanne Michelle says “An important thing to remember when you are in a co-parenting relationship is to remind yourself even though you are both no longer Partners, you are still Parents to your children.  Keep any differences separate when it comes to caring for your children, and always make decisions based in the best interests of your children”.

So what can you do to make a shared care arrangement more likely to work and be beneficial for all?

Develop a joint plan

It is important to come up with a plan for how things will work for the children, both in the short term and the long term. You might be able to get along now, but sometimes things change, so it is good to have a backup plan that will apply if you later cannot agree. A plan also means that as the parents, you tell the children what is going to happen. It gives them some certainty in what can be a very uncertain time and avoids putting them in the middle.

Be flexible

Once you have the default plan in place, you may from time to time need to vary from it. And that is ok. You might feel annoying that you miss out on you scheduled time so the other parent can take the children to a special event, but remember, you are also likely to want to be able to take the children to something special outside of the plan in the future, and flexibility goes both ways.

Don’t assume the worst

Sometimes things go wrong – people run late, forget to do something or do things you don’t like. Don’t rush to assume that something the other parent does is a deliberate choice by them to do something to upset you. It might be that they are just a parent having a bad day.

Be Respectful

No matter how upset you are, lashing out at the other parent is not going to bring about a positive result for anyone. Likewise, saying bad things about the other parent in front of the children only serves to hurt your children. Be the bigger person.

Get educated

No parent is perfect. Separation is a stressful time for everyone and every parent can take positive steps to learn more about how separation impacts your children and what you can do to help them. There are many great services out there. Organisations such as Marymead, and Relationships Australia, for example, offer great parenting courses as well as support groups for parents (and children) who need assistance.

Don’t obsess about ‘equal’ time

Having a ‘shared care’ arrangement is not about ensuring you have mathematically calculated the exact number of hours/days/nights that each parent has with the children. It is not about what is fair, it is about what works best for the children. Focus on quality time with the children, not quantity – this is what your children will remember.

Don’t go to court

Going to Court is likely to break down any Parental Alliance you may have been able to develop. There are many alternatives to Court including Collaborative Law, Mediation, Facilitation, Negotiation and Arbitration. Staying out of Court and using one of these alternative dispute resolution methods is much more likely to be conducive to shared care.

What to do next?

Not all Family Lawyers encourage you to go to Court – in fact – that is the last place I want you to go (particularly if you want shared care!) But that doesn’t mean avoiding legal advice. Legal advice that is particular to your circumstances is just one piece of the puzzle in developing a plan that will stand the test of time. Before you jump in the deep end, get some advice from a lawyer who specialises in family law.

Contact me or one of my colleagues at Farrar Gesini Dunn for advice about your options.

 Originally published at: http://www.fgd.com.au/shared-care-co-parenting-and-developing-a-parental-alliance/

Kasey Fox is a Family Lawyer and Director at Farrar Gesini Dunn,Canberra Office 

For the latest news, subscribe to our blog

Divorce - Fact V's Fiction

When it comes to Family Law and Divorce, there is a lot of misinformation about what the law says and how it applies to married, de facto and same sex couples couples in Canberra and in Australia.

Below is a brief cheat sheet that I have prepared that covers some of the common misconceptions in this area:

 

If you are going through a separation, you need expert family law advice particular to your circumstances from a family lawyer.

Give me a call in our Canberra office at Farrar Gesini Dunn on 02 6257 6477 or send me an email k.fox@fgd.com.au

 

Are prenups binding in Australia?

 Something I commonly hear when talking to non family lawyers is: “I’d like my clients to protect their assets from divorce, but prenups aren’t binding in Australia…”

Well actually, they are!

Prenups (or as we know them: ‘Binding Financial Agreements’ – BFA’s for short) ARE legally binding (provided they are done properly). BFA’s can be entered into by married couples, de facto couples and same sex couples.

And they are not as uncommon as you might think. With such a high rate of separation and divorce in Australia, many people who have already been through a divorce and property settlement are keen to avoid going through ‘the system’ all over again in their next relationship. BFA’s give them an option to agree with their new partner what will happen if they do separate in the future. This means they have the conversation about what each of them thinks is ‘fair’ at the start of the relationship, rather than at the end, when they are less likely to see eye to eye.

BFA’s are also a popular choice if one person expects to receive a large inheritance in the future, or a large gift from family members, and wants to protect that from a claim by their spouse in the event of separation. BFA’s can also cover things such as: property owned at the start of the relationship, superannuation, trusts, companies, spousal maintenance and even lottery wins.

Already married or in a de facto relationship? It’s not too late! BFA’s can also be entered into after the start of a de facto relationship or marriage.

Are BFA’s complicated and expensive? Yes, they can be, but for a BFA to be an effective protection for you, just like any contract, it needs to be very detailed. And compare that initial expenses against what you might have to pay if you end up in Court. Think of it as an insurance policy – you pay for it as protection ‘just in case’ and then hope you will never need to look at it again.

Prenups / BFA’s do not have to be the big scary romance killer that a lot of people think they are. It is all about having a conversation now (when things are good) about what each of you think would be appropriate if you do separate, and then having that agreement made binding.

Thinking about a BFA? You will each need independent advice from your own family lawyer.

Shared from the Farrar Gesini Dunn Blog - originally posted at: http://www.fgd.com.au/blog/are-prenups-binding-in-australia/ 

Contact Farrar Gesini Dunn for an appointment with one of our solicitors to discuss how we can help you.
By Kasey Fox Lawyer

Kasey Fox is a Family Lawyer at Farrar Gesini Dunn in our Canberra Office

The future of same sex marriage in Australia

The High Court has found that the ACT Marriage Equality (Same Sex) Act 2013 is of no effect. 

Although some groups who are anti gay marriage are treating this as a win, the better view of the ruling is that it actually helps the case for marriage equality. 

The High Court have ruled that under the Constitution, '"marriage" is a term which includes a marriage between persons of the same sex.' You can see the full judgment here. This now clears the way for the Commonwealth to make legislation allowing for same sex marriage, without requiring a referendum or reconsideration of the Constitution. 

So although it is a very disappointing result for same sex couples in the short term, particularly those who were married and now have had the marriage declared invalid, in the long term, having same sex marriage legislated at a federal level is a far preferable outcome.

Having Commonwealth Legislation rather than state or territory laws means that marriage really will be equal, rather than having one set of laws for heterosexual couples and another for same sex couples. 

As set out in my previous blog post on ACT same sex marriage, if the High Court had declared the legislation valid, although that would have meant that same sex couples could be "married" in the ACT, it would not be the same as a marriage under the Marriage Act and would therefore still be separate. It would have also created difficulties for those couples from a Family Law and Estate Planning point of view. In particular, divorce and property settlement could have become a much more complex and costly exercise for these couples. 

There would have been different definitions of "marriage" and separate laws and systems for divorce. As a family lawyer, I was concerned that the ACT system would have created unnecessary cost for separating couples,  confusion regarding the applicable law and may have resulted in substantial (and costly) litigation. It may have also created problems in the event of the death of either partner and what would happen to that person's estate, will and superannuation. 

The Greens have now proposed the Marriage Equality Amendment Bill into the Senate, which provides for amendment to the commonwealth Marriage Act to remove discrimination on the basis of sexuality and gender identity.

Amending the Marriage Act really is the best way forward for true marriage equality and for equal treatment under the Family Law Act.

If you are a same sex couple and want advice about your current circumstances, contact Farrar Gesini Dunn Family & Collaborative Law for advice.

High Court to deliver judgment on same sex marriage this week

Driving through Canberra on the weekend I saw a happy sight - multiple wedding parties posing for photos and celebrating their marriage. But the question remains, will their marriages be valid?

This coming Thursday, the High Court will deliver judgment on 2 key questions:

- is the ACT Marriage Equality (Same Sex) Act 2013 inconsistent with the Commonwealth Marriage Act and/or the Commonwealth Family Law Act? and 

- if the ACT Legislation is inconsistent, does that cause the ACT Legislation to be of no effect or void?

In total approximately 46 couples have registered to marry under the ACT Legislation. So what affect will the High Court ruling have on them? 

If the High Court finds that the ACT legislation is inconsistent, then the likely effect is that the marriages will be deemed invalid. From a Family Law point of view, the parties would then likely be treated as de facto couples (subject to meeting the criteria under the Family Law Act) if they ever separate. 

If however the High Court declares the legislation valid, although this will mean that same sex couples can be "married" in the ACT, it does create some difficulties for these couples from a Family Law and Estate Planning point of view. In particular, divorce and property settlement could become a much more complex and costly exercise for these couples.

More on this coming soon...

A quick guide to the High Court challenge to ACT same-sex marriage legislation

Today is the first day of the substantial hearing of the Commonwealth challenge to the ACT's Marriage Equality (Same Sex) Act 2013.

Essentially, the questions for the Court to determine are:

- is the ACT legislation inconsistent with the Commonwealth Marriage Act and/or the Commonwealth Family Law Act? and 

- if the ACT Legislation is inconsistent, does that cause the ACT Legislation to be of no effect or void?

Both the Commonwealth and the ACT have filed written submissions in this matter, as have "Australian Marriage Equality Inc" (see here).

Brief Summary of the arguments:

The case for the Commonwealth is that:

"It has always been within the power of the Commonwealth to exercise that power to legislate to declare a single and uniform rule for Australian society as to what constitutes a valid marriage."

 They argue that the Marriage Act:

"leaves no room for there to be any other laws in Australia which purport  to clothe a union with the legal status of marriage (or a form of marriage)"

On that basis, the Commonwealth seek a declaration that the ACT Marriage Act is of no effect. 


The ACT however submits that 
"It is not accepted that the Marriage Act coupled with the Family Law Act, provides a uniform set of rules for the holding of the status of marriage for the law of Australia."

and that:
"The Commonwealth fails to demonstrate that the ACT law destroys or  detracts from a right conferred by the Commonwealth Law."

For their part, Australian Marriage Equality Inc submits:

"The critical question in the present case is therefore whether the ACT Act is to be construed as an inconsistent attempt to regulate attainment of the status of marriage which is regulated by the Marriage Act. It is not. The ACT Act attributes a character or status to relevant same-sex couples, being a type of status which was never regulated (and is now expressly self-limited) by the Commonwealth in the Marriage Act."

 

For more information visit www.fgd.com.au

How to reduce your legal fees

Most lawyers charge primarily on a “time costing” basis.  This can mean that something as simple as calling your lawyer a few times when you forget to mention something in an earlier call can quickly increase your costs.

Here are some tips our firm, Farrar GesiniDunn Family & Collaborative Law, developed that may help you limit your fees and make your matter more cost effective:

• Rather than playing “telephone-tag” with your lawyer, ask their assistant to make a telephone appointment
• Prepare a list of questions to ask your lawyer before your meetings 
• Send  one  email  that  deals  with  a  number  of  issues rather  than  numerous  short  emails 
• Consider a  regular  telephone  appointment  once  a  week  with your solicitor  rather than multiple telephone calls during the week.
• If you only require minor changes to a proposed document, speak to the solicitor’s assistant instead of your solicitor.  
• When  documents  have  to  be  drafted,  provide  clear, concise  notes  on  the  topic  the  solicitor  has requested
• If documents from another source are required, discuss with your solicitor who will obtain the documents.  
• When providing documents to your solicitor try to bring in one bundle of documents rather than delivering one document at a time unless it is urgent.  
• If you provide your solicitor with a large bundle of documents, keep it mind that the more organised the documents are, the less time it will take (and less money it will cost) for your solicitor to review them 
•  Discuss  with  your  lawyer  the  option  of  copies  of  either  letters  being sent to you in bundles of three (if not urgent) 
• Ask your lawyer if they practice Collaborative Law, this process can be more cost effective than Court 
• Ask your lawyer if they offer fixed fees
  

At Farrar GesiniDunn Family & Collaborative Law, we invite our clients to choose how we charge. For Canberra Family Law matters, contact our Canberra office today. For all your Melbourne Family Law needs, contact our Melbourne office.

By Kasey Fox

Director

Farrar Gesini Dunn